A Little Controversy...

Well, hello my friends.

I've had the chance to process a lot lately as I rested postoperatively (in between Netflix binges, let’s be real) – and so I decided that we should have a hard conversation. Well, I guess it’s a monologue right now, but I hope it opens up into a discussion.

Today, I’d like to talk about something that’s still relatively taboo in our society: depression and drugs.

No, not illegal drugs.

Depression is something that I’ve struggled with for a long time ... really, since the onset of puberty. When I was younger, sports helped me - I was active (endorphins) and I was in community, albeit at times forced. lol. But truthfully, I didn't deal with it well. Throughout the years, I went through counseling a few times, and tried many of the holistic routes of dealing with depression (taking supplements, taking/using oils, reading more, journaling more, praying more, exercising more, doing yoga, painting more, etc), and each of them helped in a way, for a time.

Since the start of the odd health issues, there have been some tough days. There have been a few days where the pain was so bad, i.e. after the liver biopsy, where I told Jesus that He could take me home (but I wasn’t expediting the process). My pancreatic doctor even told me last December, “I want you to be open to the idea of antidepressants and counseling, because there are going to be some really bad days ahead. I wouldn’t want to see you make a bad decision in a moment of desperation.”

First of all, I was appalled at his pessimistic attitude (lol), and then I was appalled because truthfully - he hardly knew me. However, after processing for a few weeks I realized that he had probably seen a LOT working with those who have pancreatic issues, and so if anything - he simply planted a seed in my brain.

After the last 11 months of my life, I understand why he said that. It’s not even just because of the health issues, but the last 6 months have been HARD. There has been a lot of loss, and there is a lot of grief to work through - on top of health.

Then, about 6 weeks ago - after a few really hard days, I woke up and thought, “I can't do this. I can't muscle my way through this like last time, and if my quality of life could be better, why wouldn’t I try antidepressants? I have legit tried just about everything else..."

So, after a few weeks of research, conversations with trustworthy folks, and prayer ... I went to my doctor and shared with her. She asked, “Well, what are your symptoms? Do you get teary-eyed a lot? Do you feel unmotivated? Do you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning?”

I looked at her with tears in my eyes and said, “Yes, yes, and yes."


She was surprised, and I get it. I often come across like I have it pretty well together, because I do … but inwardly, sometimes I’m just so tired and so weary.


I told her about the last 6 months - really the last 3 years - and qualified it by saying, “Here’s a great example. I have a pile of laundry beside my bed. It’s just a massive pile of clean laundry. It’s like, 4 feet long and a foot high and I just can’t bring myself to put it all away. I genuinely do not have the energy or motivation - I am SO tired - and it’s been there for weeks. The worst part is, it stresses me out - and that's just my bedroom.”

Her response? “Well, that's a good example."

We had further, in-depth conversation (in large part about what all I’ve tried already), and in the end - she prescribed me an antidepressant to try.

Y'all, let me tell you, I am in my 4th week of taking it, and I AM SO GRATEFUL. I am sleeping through the night - I don’t know the last time that happened. Maybe May? For months I was up 1-2 times a night…it was exhausting. Now, I feel more clear-headed and focused. I have more energy. My laundry pile is put away. Two weekends ago I was able to clean out my fridge, wash all my dishes, dry them, AND put them away. I cleaned and organized my bedroom. Then, I cleaned my bathroom and rearranged the bathroom cabinet. AND THEN I even made a healthy dinner, AND took my garbage out. All in one weekend.

Wowzers.

I realize that these things are normal and should be done often, but I haven't been able to. I genuinely haven't been able to (don't worry, I haven't been living in squalor). And, I'm realizing that all those days where I was sleeping 12+ hours, it wasn’t ONLY because of physical illness. I'm realizing that the fatigue and the inability to focus long enough to get things finished ... were not just because of physical illness.

It's wild.

So, now ... I want to address a few things.

There are so many stigmas and/or bizarre misconceptions about depression, meds, etc. and honestly, I think they might've been floating around in the back of my mind for a while. Even though I don't believe them. So...let's just address a few, shall we?

1.There are folks who think that depression, counseling, and antidepressants are for the weak, and honestly, I think that's an archaic belief. It takes strength to admit that you are struggling, and it takes strength/courage to ask for help. Don't be afraid to do so. Also, counseling isn't laying on a couch and having someone pour psychobabble into your brain. Counseling is sharing your struggles with a well-trained and objective person who's able to listen without preconceived notions, can point out unhealthy patterns, can teach you healthy coping mechanisms, and encourage you in growth (etc). Of course - there certainly are some wackos out there, so do your homework - ask around. Many folks you know are either in counseling, or have done counseling, and chances are they probably know a good one.

2. There are folks who think that depression doesn't exist and that antidepressants are evil. In fact, I once had someone tell me that mental illness doesn't exist because it isn’t in the Bible. My response was, you know … Elijah was so depressed that he asked God to kill him. Job was not exactly happy during his time of intense suffering "20 “Oh, why give light to those in misery, and life to those who are bitter? 21 They long for death, and it won’t come. They search for death more eagerly than for hidden treasure. 22 They’re filled with joy when they finally die, and rejoice when they find the grave. 23 Why is life given to those with no future, those God has surrounded with difficulties? 24 I cannot eat for sighing; my groans pour out like water. 25 What I always feared has happened to me. What I dreaded has come true. 26 I have no peace, no quietness. I have no rest; only trouble comes.” (Job 3)

And, David suffered - have you read the Psalms? David was called 'a man after God's own heart' , and in 1 Kings 15:5 it was said that he had "done what was pleasing in the Lord’s sight and had obeyed the Lord’s commands throughout his life, except in the affair concerning Uriah the Hittite." This, to me, would indicate that though some of the depression he suffered was due to his own choices, the rest was not - and God was still pleased with him


Just sayin'.


Also, y'all, many illnesses like cancer, or arrhythmias (etc) weren’t mentioned in the Bible … but those exist and, are ok to treat? Why? Because there are symptoms that obviously manifest and a test to prove them?


Welp, my doctor told me that while there’s currently not way to do a blood test on serotonin or dopamine levels (blood/brain barrier), one should be developed and available within the next few years. But, right now, some of the leading doctors/hospitals in the country ARE doing really interesting things - PET scans and fMRI scans of folks brains who are struggling with depression. The results speak for themselves (coughproofcough), and are really fascinating. You should Google it.

3. Another argument that I heard recently, which I feel is far too broad, was that depression is just being addicted to the wrong "voice". I'm sure for some folks dealing with depression, they are on a spiral of negative thinking and some mentoring or counseling would be super helpful. Absolutely.


But, the person who made this statement said, "Depression is an addiction to the wrong voice. I was depressed for years and when I whole-heartedly surrendered my life to Jesus I became a disciple, got in God's word, and became addicted to the truth of who God says I am and to the reality of Christ within me!"

I read that and though, “Uh ... I've done those things. I love Jesus with my whole heart, serve Him daily, know His word … and there's STILL something malfunctioning within me. It's not because I'm addicted to negative thoughts.” I'm okay to admit that, just like I'm okay to admit that there's a malfunction in my physical heart that causes me to have an beautiful array of arrhythmias.  We live in a broken and fallen world where things break, people get sick, and people die - but none of those things mean that we aren't saved or that we don't love Jesus.

There are others ... but I literally just can't right now.


I share all this to say, my friends, don't be ashamed of what you're going through. I don't know why it took me so long to decide to try this route (except that I didn't want another pill), but the one thing I DO know is that Jesus doesn't love me any less because I'm taking medication to help me function better. In fact, I firmly believe that it's already helping me to serve him and his people better.


Please note (I feel like I have to put this caveat in here) that there are lots of ways to treat depression. Counseling is great - be it biblical or clinical. Try one! Supplements are helpful ... 5HTP, St. Johns Wart, Ashwaganda, CBD oil, Omega 3! Exercising and nature are GREAT. What I am not saying is to immediately default to medication. I am not a pill pusher. Like I said - I tried everything under the sun before I took this route, but, don't be afraid to go there either.


What makes us afraid to go there - or talk about our struggles - is all of the stigma and shame that tends to encompass depression and the like. It has got to stop. It's productive for no one, and it's rooted in both fear and pride. And ain't nobody got time for that.


I'll close with a little C.S. Lewis from a favorite book of mine, 'A Grief Observed':

“Talk to me about the truth of religion and I'll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I'll listen submissively. But don't come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don't understand.”